It's been a while...a while since my voice has been here. I've missed it.
It's been a while since I've poured out my voice into writing. Not that I haven't tried. I've probably sat down on more than twenty occasions in the past 6 months to spill out the contents of my heart and mind and left with it all still inside me. I'm not quite sure why. Maybe I've been afraid of what might come out.
Yes. That's probably it.
I've been afraid that hearing my real voice would be a little painful. Too focused on the negative. Too not what I want to hear or to be heard. Yes. Now that I think about it. That's exactly what's been holding me back.
At the beginning of the year, I set a goal. A goal that seemed insurmountable but one that I wanted to achieve or at least take a good stab at. My goal was to change my thoughts. I have been feeling for a while that my pessimism was getting a little too cozy with me. I knew I need to give it a swift kick in the pants before it moved in to stay.
So I embarked on a thought replacement strategy that seemed do-able. I identified the times of day and places when I knew I was more susceptible to the negative/self-defeating thoughts and committed to kick out the bad thought with a good one. I loved the idea of being on offense with my thoughts instead of on defense. It was a great plan. And I was on my way to big changes. Things were going well.
Isn't it interesting though, how in life, you can go in one day from feeling like everything is so organized, under control, like you can conquer the world--only to wake up the next day feeling that everything is impossible and that you'd be best to curl up in a corner and give up?
Seems like once I made a decision to change, everything became harder. Everything became heavier. Motherhood seemed like a battlefield and I was a constant casualty. Admittedly, I found myself feeling like I'd have been better off to never even attempted a change. Because now I could see how bad I was failing at it. After a while, I gave up. Plain and simple. I curled up in that corner and just gave up.
Then recently I was reminded of this...
“That which you persist in doing becomes easy . . . not that the nature of the thing has changed, but your power and ability to do has increased.” Heber J. Grant
So this is me today. I'm back after being down. I'm up to try this again. I'm ready to face the impossible.
I'm ready to hear my voice. (And thank you for coming here to listen to it).
